Three cases of Severus Snape
by Serb
Summary: CALLING ALL READERS! Released in the magical world there is a creature, mush worse than a Mary Sue. Could Severus resist its 'charms? Must be read!


Three cases of Severus Snape  
  
Author's Note: Hello everybody! Sorry I haven't posted so long, but unfortunately here is a story which may sound like a lecture to you. I have read too many stories, noticing this strange happening. Remember, this isn't supposed to underestimate anybody, but merely serves us as a warning that there is something worse than a Mary Sue(shudder). All characters belong to J. K. Rowling.  
  
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INTRODUCTION:  
  
There is something creepy.. something that even Mary Sue cowers from its dark form. What is this creature, which causes this effect? The name of this creature is called Character Killer.  
  
This creature comes in the form of a witch or wizards, which to our relief, hates Mary Sue. However, this creature tries so hard not to be a Mary Sue, that it in the end becomes something much worse, it is so deformed. Its character becomes cruel, cold and unbelievingly horrible. People agree with it, because of course anything is better than Mary Sue. However, it may become so powerful, that you begin to feel uncomfortable in its power. It often appears in stories with Severus Snape. Here are three cases involving this creature:  
  
Warning: One of the forms of the Character Killer is out of character characters (OCC).  
  
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CASE 1:  
  
Pairing: Severus Snape/ Hermione Granger  
  
Character Killer: Hermione Granger  
  
It was Hermione's seventh year at Hogwarts, and she is about eighteen years. Amazingly, she grew into a pretty girl with messy, bushy brown hair, dull brown eyes and chipmunk teeth (Pomphrey's potion wore off). All of the sudden, instead of a decent, shy student, she became an annoyingly pompous brat. She was suddenly interested in fashion and didn't care about having good marks. She didn't want to be intelligent, but wanted to be very slim and skinny like those straws you see in lemonade glasses in restaurants.  
  
I myself always say this is a bad way to go, since the modern society nowdays want half-starved people as fashion (even the Renaissance people had more brains- they liked chubbier people, considered healthy. I can't agree more).  
  
So, all of the sudden, she has Potions class, and marches in, 30 minutes late and blinks stupidly.  
  
'You are late, Miss Granger,' comments Professor Snape, 'five points off Gryffindor.'  
  
Hermione stares at him, then starts screaming, waving her hands like a windmill, insulting him how stupid he is and that he should get fired. The others agree with her. They obviously don't care that Snape is saving their asses and risking his own life by spying for Dumbledore.  
  
Strangely, Snape woke up in the morning in love with Granger, out of the blue.  
  
He forgives her, but she slaps him in front of everyone and screaming runs out, like a spoiled little Gryffindor brat.  
  
'He doesn't know how hard is my life,' Snorts Granger,' I work hard at home: I have to clean the dishes every afternoon! Oooooh, that reminds me, I have to petition for the SPEW!'  
  
She starts smoking (she stole her dad's cigars), and then runs down to the kitchens, to talk with the House elves.  
  
' But you shouldn't work, it's forced labor,' she babbles on, still smoking her cigar (this won't have a happy ending!),' so you should stop working. By the way, while I'm on about this, can you fetch me an apple? A bowl of pudding? A strawberry cake?'  
  
Once the hypocrite got all she wanted, she goes out, and bumps into Snape.  
  
'What do you want?' She sniffs pompously.  
  
'I want to say, I love you!' Severus immediately skips the details of how he has romantic feelings for her and gets to the point.  
  
Hermione then begins asking him to give all the UK's jewels, necklaces to her, and Severus does that. In the meantime she falls in 'love' with him.  
  
He tells a long, crappy story of his sniveling life, making up the most absurd things, like that his comes from an ordinary muggle family and was the shortest kid in school (???).  
  
She graduates, they get married, and Hermione takes over his job, throwing him out of work, and she starts unfairly docking points off Slytherin. Severus doesn't care, he now hates Slytherins, being a proud 'Pureblood' descendant, now lives an ordinary muggle life with his halfblood wife, playing golf as a hobby. Oh, and also collects muggle stamps.  
  
Granger became the most unfair teacher of all times (she didn't even go to University) for she always humiliates Slytherins, whom she was the Head of the House. She led the SPEW to victory and now House-elves are free to marry pureblood wizards and witches, corrupting the bloodlines.  
  
Severus and Hermione had a daughter, who looked exactly like he mother, had her father's nose, and a bratty character. Her name was Stacey Snape (or some other corny name like that).  
  
Hermione was shot dead by a House elf fanatic, Winky (maybe with Kreacher), who thought that she was damaging the House-elf faith.  
  
END OF CASE 1  
  
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Hmm..what a perfect story: a good example of a character killer, with a justifiable ending. Winky didn't have to kill her: Hermione's lungs were rotting with cigar smoke, that Winky spared her from a painful death. Don't smoke kids!  
  
Now onto the second case....  
  
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CASE 2:  
  
Pairing: Severus Snape/ Minerva McGonagall  
  
Character Killer: McGonagall  
  
Severus was walking down the hallway, when he saw the love of his life: 60 year old McGonagall. She had a perfect wrinkly face, marred by her stern eyebrows and dull glare. She strode past Snape and decked 80 points off Slytherin for absolutely no reason, she had finally shown her true colors.  
  
When the Slytherins fairly complained to Severus, he took another 20 points off because he was too in love with McGonagall to care. Minerva noticed that he was beginning to hate his own house and love the Gryffindors. He gave Harry Potter 10 points because he had beaten up Draco Malfoy for no apparent reason.  
  
Minerva walked over to Severus, to strike a conversation. He grinned and then they started chatting on how Slytherin is corrupting the school and they should throw them out.  
  
'Let's start a demonstration!' Exclaimed Minerva, with her 'clever' ideas.  
  
So they started, in which the houses of Hufflepuff and Gryffindor were involved. Dumbledore went out of his office and started seriously talking with his two best professors.  
  
'But Albus, this is a great idea!' Minerva pronounced.  
  
'I'm with her!' Severus said proudly.  
  
'Alright then, it's not that I even care about the Slytherins. Like hell, I want to get rid of them!' Dumbledore spoke with delight, and joined their campaign.  
  
Soon this ended with having all the Slytherins of the school thrown out unfairly. Everyone cheered, except Trelawney.  
  
'Fools!' She exclaimed sanely,' Don't you realize that Voldemort will become more powerful, now that the Slytherins are on his side, since you threw them out?'  
  
'Aw, shut up. I hate you. Throw her out as well! Along with the Ravenclaws!' McGonagall ordered.  
  
So poor Trelawney and the Ravenclaws were thrown out.  
  
'I love you, Minerva!' Proclaimed Severus.  
  
They kissed...in front of everyone (ew!). There was a huge celebration, a marriage and Severus and Minerva lived happily ever after. Not.  
  
It is a wonder that they had a child, since McGonagall is really too old. I don't know if it was a boy or girl, but am sure as hell it ended up in corny Gryffindor.  
  
Voldemort soon came with his powerful army of Ravenclaws and Slytherins, and defeated Hogwarts without any problems.  
  
Minerva met her end when she was run over by Vernon Dursley driving a steamroller, while she was in cat form (she was crossing the street to buy a carton of milk from a muggle shop).  
  
Serves her right for chunking Ravenclaws, Slytherins and poor Trelawney out!  
  
END OF CASE 2  
  
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We are getting closer to the end! Now the final touch, we have almost everything! The last person is the most commonly used.  
  
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CASE 3:  
  
Pairing: Severus Snape/ Original character (OC)  
  
Character Killer: why, of course OC  
  
Dumbledore's new appointed DADA teacher strode down the halls of Hogwarts. Her name was Agrophobianora Blacksteeltalon, called shortly Mary. You can imagine, as you liked, from skinny form with dull brown hair and dull brown eyes to a pink haired punk wearing chainsaw clothes and combat boots (oh, and an earring on her nose). Anything, as long as it doesn't look Mary Sueish (strange they both have the same name).  
  
She bumped into Snape (surprise, surprise) and didn't even apologise.  
  
'Look out where you're going, you greasy idiot!' She snarled.  
  
Severus was shocked by her behavior, and because of his surprise, she beat him up into a bloody pulp because she never liked these surprised looks. Mary was strong as a bull, yes, not like that Mary Sue. But obviously she didn't have a brain. Mary (Agrophobianora) was from America (big surprise) from a small ranch in Texas (or was it Chicago?). No wonder she had such a horrible temper.  
  
But Severus liked her character. Every time they met, she beat him up, and he fell more and more in love with her. She had been a Hufflepuff when young, but transferred to Gryffindor.  
  
Soon, she began noticing how he likes her. He even bought her those cheap plastic flowers she liked to collect. One day, Severus wanted to tell her the truth.  
  
He walked towards her.  
  
'What are you doing here, Snape?' She growled, raising her fist.  
  
'I just wanted to say that I love you,' Severus babbled quickly (he must be out of character),' will you marry me?'  
  
POW! Mary's fist met his nose, breaking it. He fell to the floor, nose bleeding and his dignity hurt. She grinned idiotically at him.  
  
'Yes.' She answered.  
  
So they married, and had six retarded children who ended up in Hufflepuff or Gryffindor (their names were Bob, Bill, Betty, Alabama...anything that sounds wild west to you). They were all punks or skinheads.  
  
Unfortunately, they lived back in her small ranch. They were all burned down by the Ku Klux Klan, who mistaken them for some 'unsavory' customers.  
  
5 years later, Voldemort took over Hogwarts, and a new era began.  
  
END OF CASE 3  
  
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So that was the last of our cases, all were dripping with sarcasm and irony. Learn something from this: Character Killer lives in all of us, including me. You never know where it lurks, but beware: it may be just where you may never guess. There is always something worse than a Mary Sue. The truth is out there. Trust no one. (X-Files music fills the background)..  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: I wasn't going to offend anybody, but I have seen these stories so often they become sick. I have written this for a long time for you to be informed. You may post comments, whether they be flames or reviews. I'm just informing! 


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